When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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