I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
