I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
