I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
