I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Randomize
