so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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