I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Is it because I queefed?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
