Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
