my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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