Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
