i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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