i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
