it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
