He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
BRING THE BAGELS
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
