if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
