i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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