my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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