Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
