I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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