fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you would pick up someone in the library
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
