It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
