I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
