Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
