That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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