Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
