So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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