im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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