Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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