so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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