I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my shit smells like andre
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
