So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
