My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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