You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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