So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
