I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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