he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's blow job season.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
