if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
