She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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