I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
