made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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