I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
