Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
