for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The struggles of a small town man whore
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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