i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
