My friends, they love my intelligence
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
it's great music for shaving your balls
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
