I intend to get homeless drunk
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
