before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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