Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
