her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
