My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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