I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This baby is an asshole
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
