You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
